Love You Even When It Hurts
by AyannaWild
Summary: You loved him, more than you'd loved anyone, but you felt so alone, and you hated that.
1. Love You Even When It Hurts

You stared at the wall, memorizing the carvings and foreign language on the stone. You glanced down at your phone, it was almost midnight, he was three hours late. You stood up kicking off your shoes and making your way to the bedroom.

'_What wonderful excuse will he have this time_?'You thought as you pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

The elevator dinged, and you looked up from where you stood at the bar. Lucifer walked in looking around, you said nothing just downed your drink, before pouring another. He heard the clink of the bottle and smiled when he saw you.

"Y/N! There you are darling! You must hear about this case!"

You said nothing just grabbed your half empty glass, and the bottle.

"Maybe tomorrow Lucifer." You muttered.

He frowned watching you disappear into the bedroom. It wasn't like you to be so disconnected from him like that.

"Is everything alright love?" He called after you.

You didn't answer him just placed your bottle on the nightstand and sat on the bed.

You woke up the next morning, alone in bed. You seemed to wake up like that a lot lately. There was no note, not text, you had no idea where Lucifer had gone. He didn't answer your call, in fact it went straight to voicemail. You called Chloe instead.

"Y/N! Hi, is everything ok?"

You smiled, happy to hear your friend's voice. Yet your smile felt heavy, like it didn't belong.

"Yeah, just seeing if you know where Lucifer is?"

"He's with me and Dan on a case, didn't he tell you?"

She sounded confused, and you smiled sadly.

"I must have forgotten." You lied forcing a laugh.

You hung up and threw your phone on the couch letting out a frustrated sigh. The longer you sat there the angrier you got. You snatched your phone off the couch and called Lucifer. The first time you called him it went straight to voicemail but the second time he finally answered.

"Is everything alright darling? You've been calling me a lot."

"I needed to talk to you, it kept going to voicemail." You frowned.

You heard shuffling in the background followed by several voices. He was at the police station.

"Yes well I'm terribly busy with the case at the moment, I'll call you later."

"Rain check our date tonight then right?" You didn't mean for your voice to sound so cold.

The line was silent for a moment and you almost thought he had hung up.

"That was tomorrow night, wasn't it?"

He forgot, again, just like he forgot the last four times and you felt your heart break just a little more.

"No Lucifer that was tonight."

You heard him sigh a little and your anger spiked.

"I'm sorry darling, but I've been a bit busy, surely if I miss one date it won't be the end of the world."

"Four." You hissed angrily.

"Four?" He repeated confused.

"You've missed the last_four_Lucifer, and you didn't just miss them. You forgot about them entirely!"

Lucifer apparently didn't appreciate your shouting because his next words were harsh and cold.

"Yes, well I've had more important things to worry about than a silly little dinner date."

As soon as the words left is mouth he regretted them. You had stopped talking, and you nodded slowly. You held the phone away from your ear, so he couldn't hear the trembling breath you took. Lucifer sighed, hating himself a little.

"I've got to go love, the Detective needs my help but I'll see you when I get home tonight, we can talk more." He said.

'_No we won't._' You thought.

You heard someone's voice calling Lucifer, and he told you he really did have to go.

"Goodbye Lucifer."

He had no idea what you were really saying with those two words, had he known, he would have dropped everything and hurried home to you.

You hung up the phone and stared at it a moment. Your heart felt heavy as you blocked his number. In a rage you swiped the items on the table onto the ground. Pictures broke and a lamp shattered, yet it did nothing to ease the sinking feeling that had settled in your chest. You stared at the mess, and leaned against the piano.

"Nice Y/N, because breaking things always helps.." You muttered.

You felt at war with yourself as you packed your clothes in several suitcases. Your thoughts drifted between how this was the right choice to how much you loved him and how much this might hurt him. You seemed to subconsciously decide for yourself what you were going to do because the next thing you knew you found yourself in the elevator. You stared at the doors as you waited for them to open again. You tried as hard as you could to hold back your tears.

'_He doesn't deserve you! He won't even notice you left!_' An angry voice screamed in your mind.

You shook your head as if that would silence the voice.

"I will… and I'll still love him just the same." You whispered.


	2. Part 2

Lucifer couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. His attention was spilt between helping Chloe with the case and rushing home to you. Something about the way you had said goodbye to him on the phone didn't sit right. It sounded strange, the way the word 'goodbye' had left your lips.

"Lucifer! Where are you going?" Chloe called after him.

"Sorry Detective, but I have something important to see to. You can finish up here, can't you? Lovely ta!"

When he was finally able to leave he couldn't seem to drive fast enough. All the worst scenarios keep running through his mind but nothing could have prepared him for the reality of it.

"Y/N!"

He called your name but received no answer. Where could you be?

"I'm sorry about earlier, can we talk about it darling?"

Still nothing. The penthouse was eerily quiet, and the pit in his stomach only grew. He stepped towards the bedroom, and heard glass crunch under his feet. He looked down, frowning. The pictures from the table and even the lamp laid in a mess of glass on the floor. He picked up the broken picture frame, staring at the picture of you smiling with him.

"Y/N…"

Lucifer hurried to the bedroom, his blood ran cold when he saw almost all of your things gone. Your draws were empty, your suitcases gone, and the necklace he had given you tossed on the bed. Lucifer fumbled with his phone as he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Pick up darling, please pick up."

The phone rung and rung but you didn't answer. He called again, pacing in frustration when it went straight to voicemail. He tried again.

"Answer the phone love. Please talk to me."

You stared at your phone as it rung on the nightstand. You sat on the bed in the motel room, your cheeks stained with tears. The tears had stopped falling a while ago, but the horrible feeling settled in your chest. You reached for the phone, but pulled your hand back at the last minute.

_'He hurt you. He doesn't deserve your comfort!'_

Your subconscious screamed at you, scolded you for even considering checking on him. Apparently you hadn't entirely run out of tears because you felt something wet drip onto your arm. You snatched your phone from the table and blocked his number. Regret ate at you, but you pushed the feeling aside as you made your way to the bathroom. Your hands shook as you turned on the water and your vision blurred from your tears.

_'Is it going to hurt this bad forever?'_You thought.

You couldn't stop the sobs that shook your body as you stood under the hot stream of water from the shower, wishing it would wash away the pain you felt.

"You are unable to contact this number at this time please try-"

Lucifer let out an enraged yell, throwing his phone against the stone wall. He stared at the broken remains of it as he sat on the bed. His eyes landed on your necklace and he grabbed it. He held it in his hand, swallowing thickly.

"I'm a bloody fool." He muttered to himself.

Maze had come when Lucifer called her, just like she always did. She was not expecting it took look like a tornado hit whenever she had stepped out of the elevator. The couch was overturned, the TV shattered, empty, and broken bottles were scattered around the penthouse.

"What the hell…"

Sitting at the center of all the chaos was Lucifer, looking like a wreck. He held a half empty bottle of Jack in one hand, and your necklace in the other. He looked up at Maze, who was shocked to see he had been crying.

"Lucifer?"

She approached him slowly .

"Lucifer, what happened?"

He looked up at her with a heartbreaking and broken expression.

"Find her Mazikeen._Please_…"


	3. Part 3

Lucifer laughed as he chugged from the bottle in his hand. He danced with strangers he didn't know and drowned himself in various types of alcohol. But it was all to distract himself. He went through the motions without actually feeling it. He stumbled back over to the bar, motioning to the bartender.

"Another bottle!" He called.

The bartender nodded, and Lucifer turned around to watch the crowd. His smile fell for a second, when he thought he saw you standing by the piano, but when he got a better look, he realized it wasn't you. It couldn't have been. His mood immediately fell, and he turned around to stare at the mirror on the wall behind the bar.

"Lucifer!"

Maze walked down the stairs and took in Lucifer's disheveled appearance. She frowned and crossed her arms when she finally reached him.

"Mazikeen! Have you come to join the fun?" He asked reaching for the new bottle.

"I found her."

Lucifer didn't seem to hear her as he mindlessly nodded and opened the bottle.

"Yes well just keep looking then. One little human shouldn't be able to avoid the great bounty hunting Maze forever."

He had gotten so use to Maze coming back empty-handed, he had stopped truly listening to her updates on locating you. Maze rolled her eyes and grabbed the bottle from his hands.

"No Lucifer. I found her."

For a moment Lucifer said nothing just stared at Maze with wide eyes, and a slightly disbelieving look. Maze smirked handing him a piece of paper.

"Don't thank me to hard." She teased.

You threw your keys in the little bowl by the front door. Work had been awful as usual and you were ready to fall onto your bed, and never get up. You didn't bother hanging up your coat, to tired to really care as you dropped it to the floor.

_'I could use a hot bath and a long nap, maybe Lucifer will...'_

You hated that the first thing you thought of even after all this time was how Lucifer used to comfort you.

"Stressful day darling?"

You nearly jumped out of your skin when you heard that. You would know that voice anywhere and you refused to turn around.

"How did you find me?" You said voice wavering slightly.

You heard him stand but you wouldn't face him, knowing that as soon as you did, the tears would fall.

"Maze of course. You didn't go very far did you?"

_'I couldn't bring myself to leave you any more than I already had.'_

You thought, but didn't say that out loud.

"What are you talking about, I moved almost an hour away." You scoffed walking towards the kitchen.

Lucifer didn't fail to notice you still didn't look at him. He followed you.

"Yes but you stayed in LA, could have gone anywhere darling, why didn't you?"

_'Because of you!'_

You wanted to yell it, scream it, but you remained silent. Lucifer watched you for a moment, before clearing his throat.

"I tried calling, but you knew that, you did block me after all. A bit rude don't you think?"

Your sadness and regret turned into anger after that comment.

"Rude? You're calling me rude? Nice Lucifer real nice, ignoring someone and blowing them off repeatedly could be considered rude to you know."

"And it was rude to run out before we could have a proper conversation about it, wouldn't you agree my dear?"

You grabbed the counter top and bowed your head as you stared at the gold flecks in the granite.

"We're both rude then, glad we established that. Make sure you close the door on your way out." You muttered.

You wouldn't face him, you couldn't, knowing as soon as you did that would be it. Your walls, your resolve, your strength, it would all evaporate.

"Way out? I haven't seen you in months love! I've had Maze searching everywhere for you! The very least you could do is look at me!"

Your heartbeat increased, and you let out a shaky breath. He wasn't the only one having a hard time.

"Seven months, two weeks, and seven days." You whispered.

Lucifer stared at you confused and you finally turned to look at him. You felt the tears that escaped but you gave him a small smile anyway.

"It has been seven months, two weeks, and seven days, since I left, but who's counting anyway?" You laughed sadly.

Lucifer stared at you as you stared back, the most venerable he had ever seen you. He took a step towards you and reached a hand out to wipe away your tears, like he had done so many times before. You lightly pushed his hand away, and he let his arm fall to his side.

"I never meant to hurt you darling."

You only shook your head and went to walk past him.

"But you did, and from the looks of it, you're doing ok."

Lucifer grabbed your arm and you looked at him surprised as he looked at you pleading.

"I'm not ok. I'm so very far from ok darling. I've tried to get you out of my mind, but there you are everywhere I look. I swore I saw you today, at Lux. It was a stupid notion of course, I knew you wouldn't be foolish enough to go back. Yet I still found myself hoping it was you though, like a fool. My beautiful little human, I adore you, and I should have paid you more attention. But I'm a bloody moron, and I let you slip through my fingers."

You placed your hand over his hand that still held your arm. Your heart was breaking all over again and you didn't know if you could handle it again.

"Lucifer please don't, I can't do this again. I can't -"

The words died on your tongue when you saw him pull your necklace out his pocket.

"I do believe I gave this to you to keep my dear. It's not very good manners to return a gift now is it?" He smiled at you.

You looked from him, then to your necklace. You gingerly took it from his hand and ran your fingers over the pendant that hung on the silver chain.

"You... you kept it?"

Lucifer wiped a stray tear from your cheek. You hadn't even noticed it.

"Of course I did my dear. It was yours, I couldn't possibly toss it aside."

You stared at it, and Lucifer fixed the buttons on his suit jacket.

"Besides, I know you're rather fond of that trinket."

You turned your gaze to him and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm rather fond of who gave it to me as well. One could even say I love him."

Lucifer's eyes immediately filled with surpise, and he looked at you like he thought he might have misheard you.

"Love? As in the present tense of the word?"

You laughed, slipping your necklace on. It felt like a piece of you had returned and it made you fell whole.

"Lucifer, you silly devil, I've never stopped loving you."

His overjoyed expression warmed your heart, and he went to kiss you but you held a hand up.

"I love you, but that doesn't mean things are just going to go back to how they were before. You still have a lot of apologizing to do."

He didn't seem any less ecstatic.

"Of course my dear, but could you say it one more time I'm not sure I heard you the first time." He smiled cheekily.

You laughed, playfully hitting his chest.

"I love you."

Lucifer tapped his ear, feigning a confused expression.

"What was that?"

You rolled your eyes but your smile remained firmly planted on your lips. Lucifer chuckled brushing a stray strand of hair away from your eyes.

"I know I haven't said it before, but I do love you Y/N, so much more than you know."


End file.
